This March was a melancholy time for me. I like that word, melancholy, and feel that it most accurately describes the feeling of "off-ness" that I had. I wasn't sad, nor angry. I didn't feel frustrated or lonely. There was nothing particularly stressful going on in my life, no major life changes. I simply felt like I was in a blue funk. I have experienced depression, a long time ago, and know very well the feeling of slipping into that pit. Melancholy is different (for me, at least). This particular bout lasted for a surprisingly long time - a little over two weeks - but now it's fading and I'm feeling more ME.
I was speaking with someone about it yesterday...about how it's okay to be blue and not be able to explain it. **Remember, "blue" is not the same as depression (which often requires treatment/assistance to heal).** In fact, even though I was growing tired of, well, feeling tired...the melancholy itself was neither troubling nor alarming. I figured something was going on, something that I may or may not understand on a conscious level and - quite frankly - something I wasn't particularly interested in mucking around in.
You see, it was in March (11 years ago) that I kicked out my first husband, who was abusive. It's been long enough now, and I've healed so much, that months or years will go by with no thought to that time, no nightmares, no nothing. In fact, in the last few years I don't believe I've even had the March blues. So when it snuck up on me this year, it took me a few days to figure out why I was in such a funk. Then I realized...more healing is at work! It feels like some leftover bit of the story I had with him is working itself out. Sometimes these little bits of baggage leave quickly and fairly easily. Other times, it's like a bull in a china shop: banging into every nook and cranny as it runs for the exit. The way I see it, at least it's leaving! When that story uproots itself from whatever part of me it was hiding in, sometimes it dirties the waters, so to speak. Imagine if you pulled up a bit of seaweed from the ocean floor, the sand surrounding that plant would lift and swirl in the water for awhile. Then, as it settled, it would fill in and re-work the area where the plant had been. If all of the roots didn't come out, then it will grow back a bit, and you may have more uprooting to do. That's what healing this very old wound feels like to me.
So I'm thankful for the melancholy, because it shows me that there's still some work to do, AND that it's being done (whether in a conscious state or not). Thanks to my yoga practice, my sweet husband, family and good friends, I have many tools for managing the blues. Nowadays I can honestly say that some of the worst things that ever happened to me turned out to be some of the best things that ever happened to me. My life now is so rich and full, and more importantly - I appreciate it so much more than I might have had I never experienced such treachery. And besides, it's only one chapter out of the book of my life!
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