Seattle Yogini

Just Relax!

A few days ago I stopped by a neighbor's house for a visit.  She recently had a baby (she came to my prenatal classes for awhile), and I thought I'd drop by to see how she was doing, how he was doing, and just catch up.  I believe (I hope!) that we are laying the foundations for a lovely friendship...at any rate, I really enjoy our conversations.

So, we were talking about the challenges facing so many women in our age group (thirties) when it comes to baby-making.  In contrast, both of our mothers had a bagillion kids running around before they even hit the big three-oh.  Aside from age, which we both agree is a contributing factor, we talked about something I found very poignant, and worth "putting out there".  Many of us have at least one degree (if not more), have worked in the "real world" for awhile, we've been "independent women" for as long as we wanted before marrying the man we wanted to.  Only now, when it seems to matter the most that we get what we want more than anything in the world, we are faced for the first time with the harsh reality that some things really are out of our control.

Seriously.  For some of us that is a very hard pill to swallow.  I fall into that category.  It isn't as if I have not faced hardship in my life, but basically every challenge that I have set for myself (or that was set for me) I have not only faced but surpassed with flying colors.  Always, if I put my mind, body and heart to it, I could make it happen.  So, when we decided to embark on the baby-making voyage, I approached it in that same way...because it was how I approached everything:

1)  Set goal.
            Here, obviously, the goal was to conceive a child.
2)  Figure out plan for achieving goal.
           I went of the pill over a year before we even started trying, and commenced to temp and chart my
            cycles.
3)  Enlist help as needed.
            My husband, obviously, was the major "help" involved.  :-)
4)  Put the impressive combined powers of my mind, body, and spirit into "the plan".
            Temp, chart, analyze chart, well-timed nookie, the usual methods for achieving such a goal as this.
5)  Enjoy achieving goal (victory!).
            Uh, yeah, this is where we got hung up, to say the least.

How, then, is a woman who has always approached things in a meticulous, planned, and ever-so-slightly controlling manner supposed to accept the general advice of those around her who say, "Probably you're too stressed out.  Surely once you relax, take it easy for a bit, you'll conceive!"  We hear this a lot, you know.  It isn't unkind, and it is a completely valid observation.  Many of us, however, find it offensive (or so I gather).

My friend and I talked about how insidious stress is and how very many things there are that different people find stressful.  How trying to conceive causes its own kind of stress, and having it not happen month after month makes it even worse.  And how, truly, it isn't surprising that so-and-so conceived during her three-month sabbatical from a demanding job.  Then, she looked straight into my eyes and asked (I'm afraid I must paraphrase here, as I wasn't taking notes - lol), "Doesn't it irk you when people say that?  That all you need to do is relax.....as if it were that easy?  doesn't it imply that it's your 'fault' you haven't conceived?"

Huh.

Well, it was then that I realized how different a woman I am today than I was when we first decided to start a family (almost) two years ago.  I shrugged a little and said, quite honestly, "No.  And here's why:

I believe in our power to affect our circumstances.  I believe that the way in which I perceive my life is more indicative of my stress (in this case) than what experiences I may actually have.  Just because I am less controlling and stressed than I used to be does not mean that I am as relaxed as I can someday be.  To me, this is empowering!  If what I need is to "let go", then it is within my power to affect the situation, is it not?  I agree, I need to chill about some things.  And I agree, it is NOT easy to chill when you have "survived" up to now by being very in charge of everything around you.  With this baby thing, though?  I think that I have proven that I am so far from being in charge that it isn't even funny."

And yet, I am a major player in this family drama.  I have choices.  The way my life, my health, my love,  my work, my attitude, etc., etc., etc. is at this moment is a result of choices I have made.  I am the pilot of my cruise ship, and while I may need a navigator and a co-pilot (heck, while we're at it can I request a brigade of cooks, housekeepers, and entertainment?) I am the one who decides if I will continue on my current heading or not.  Detours, re-routing, delays, all are within my power to affect and change.  The weather?  Not in my power.  The movement of a protected pod of orcas?  Nope.  An unforeseen accident on-board?  Uh uh.  But how I handle those situation is completely within my power.

So, nowadays I approach life from a different (in this case, yogic) perspective:

1)  Know my Self.
2)  Do my best at all times, as I do the work that I am here to do.
3)  Trust that I am in the hands of the Divine, and that all will be as it should.

See there?  Two out of three of the above things are still within my control.  I'd say those are pretty good odds.  Now, please excuse me while I go relax for the rest of the evening.  :-)

Moonstruck

Today is the full moon, and after last night's total lunar eclipse, people seem to really be feeling the effects of the lunar cycles.  In my evening class I mentioned that Rob and I had noticed people seeming more edgy, flighty, fitfull, and otherwise discombobulated today than earlier in the week.  Eyes rounded and heads nodded as people thought back on their days, their loved ones, their conversations and interactions.  Yes, we agreed, things seem a bit "off".

In urban culture we live far from the earth.  By that I mean that our day-to-day lives do not offer us many opportunities to engage with nature (including bathing in the light of the moon).  As a result, people are often surprised when it is pointed out that:  A) folks are acting strangely  B) it's a full moon and  C) those two things may be connected.  In ages past, the phases of the moon were thought to have a direct affect on people.

We know, for example, that the word "lunatic" comes from the Latin word "lunaticus" which means "moon-struck".  According to this interesting website, the term "arose because it was thought that recurring attacks of madness were caused by phases of the moon."  Nowadays, ask anyone who works in an emergency room, and anyone who works in childbirth, and they'll tell you that the crazies and the babies come out with the full moon.

So, if you noticed that things in your life (yourself included!) felt a bit weird today, don't fret.  You are not alone, and it could just be that you're experiencing a bit of lunacy.  Enjoy!  :-)

Spring, Knitting and Babies - Oh My!

So it dawned on me today that spring is almost here.  In Seattle we are under the (mistaken, I believe) impression that spring has already sprung...I mean, just look at the evidence that the Yarn Harlot offers from her Madrona trip!  Anyway, so I was thinking about life after "Rob's Never-ending Sweater" and realized:  Oh!  It'll have to be something less wintry (if not, necessarily, less woolly).  Methinks it's time to visit the stash.  At least I can do a swatch or two while I frog, knit, frog, knit, frog, knit the sleeves of the sweater.  Ya know, for sanity's sake.  :-)

I still have to frog Mr. Greenjeans, and have decided that the lovely, washable yarn will become a "Big Bad Baby Blanket" for our (someday) "Little, Sweet, Baby Pretlow".  It'll be my travel project for my upcoming trip to (drum-roll, please) the Trust Birth Conference.  I am so excited I cannot even tell you!  Writers of midwife/natural birth/doula - type blogs are all atwitter about this event, and have been for a few weeks (the links are just three of the baby blogs I follow).  When I first read (know before you go:  there's a childbirth photo in that link...which means nekkid bits) about the conference my interest was piqued, but I wasn't sure I could work it out (what with having to arrange subs for my classes, etc.).  Last week I looked at the classes again and realized that I must go.  Period.  So, I arranged.

Here's what I've signed up for (you can read a full listing, or the details of these classes, by clicking here).  You can even order downloads of the lectures after the conference concludes.  Isn't that cool?

• The womanly Art of Birthing:  Secrets Doctors Don't Know
• Postpartum Fitness:  More Than Getting Back into your Jeans
• Prenatal Testing and Ultrasound:  The Whole Story for Mother and Baby
• Baby's Experience of Birth
• Don't Push Me; Physiologic Pushing
• Hands Off the Perineum
• Why Women Stay Home Alone
• Believe Your Way to a Better Birth
• Embracing Life After Loss:  How We Can Help Them

Some of these classes are particularly for professional development (i.e. "Postpartum Fitness") but all of them are for personal growth.  As I was listing my choices on the registration form, I realized that the last class is probably the reason that I feel so strongly that I absolutely must go to this conference.  It's aim is to teach women how to help other women "through the grief of an early loss and how to welcome new life with joy and without the fears that are typically imposed after a pregnancy loss, still birth, or early childhood death."  I mean, how could I miss such a healing opportunity?  I feel certain that this will help me help myself with the loss of my first pregnancy, as well, particularly as we venture into the land of "hoping to conceive" once more.

It seems only appropriate to take along a baby blanket project for a conference such as this, does it not?

Snow (and Icicles) on Cedars

As promised yesterday, the year's first finished knit!

Fingerless mitts, pattern Snow on Cedars by Anne Hanson.  This is the first of Anne's patterns that I've used, and I must say that I really enjoyed it.  I'm a regular Knitspot reader, and very much appreciate her willingness to share how she develops new patterns, etc.  When I bought this pattern, I also purchased the pattern for the Irtfa'a Faroese Shawl which I really look forward to knitting this spring or summer.

The pattern is very well written and Anne is kind enough to offer both a line-by-line write-up AND a graph, which I think is very generous of her.  ;-)  I finished the first mitt over our 4-day Christmas trip to Indiana, but didn't finish up the second one until ten days ago.  After blocking, the lace pattern really opened up and they look great all the way up the arm:

I used Yarn Pirate Booty Club sock-weight Merino/Tencel blend in colorway "Icicle", which I thought was just right (in name AND in color) for this project.  It used just less than half the skein, so I've decided that I will make another, slightly shorter pair for myself.  These are a gift for a special birthday girl, so I had to peel them off my own warm hands and prepare them for the mail.  Luckily, it won't take long at all till I have a more Kelly-sized pair.  Hooray!

Man on the Side....an angst-y knitting project

Over the holidays I decided to get started on a cardi for myself....even though I'm still in the throes of my "love affair" (NOT) with Rob's Never-ending Sweater [of pain].  I had my eye on Mr. Greenjeans from the fall 2007 knitty, and a few balls of Cascade 220 Superwash that were begging for personal growth.  Having recently purchased a crazy-comfortable wool-blend zip-up cardi at Marshall's (the best $25 I ever spent on clothing), I knew I wanted something that could be my lazy-days cozy sweater of choice.  I figured washable would be a plus, and since Mr. Greenjeans was born of a need to use up some yarn, substituting a gauge-comparable yarn from my stash was the perfect way to go.

I decided to do the size small (shown on the model), thinking that 2.5 positive inches of ease would be preferable for a cozy sweater than any amount of negative ease.  I knew I'd have to make changes in length to accommodate my short-waistedness, and I definitely wanted the cabled ribbing placed a bit lower, so it wouldn't start right under my bust-line but rather at my natural waistline.  I want the sleeves full-length rather than 3/4, and would re-arrange the length of the ribbing accordingly.

Overall the body was quick and easy, and I didn't even have problems with the button band (my first-ever button band, by the way).  Added to edit:  Actually, I just tried it on and the button band is too tight, so the front of the sweater pulls up in a weird way.  Sigh.

Upon closer inspection, however, I started to get concerned:

See all that closing-in of the cabled rib section?  I put off doing the sleeves as I wondered if that was going to block into a normal-looking sweater.  I recalled some knit bloggers (the Yarn Harlot is definitely one of them) speaking of a mid-knit block to see if things were working out as planned.  I figured, why not?  It's worth a try.  I am very pleased with how the ribbing changed, and it looks like the button will work the way I was hoping added to edit:  Nope, the button looks dumb.  I either need three full buttons, or to just allow that with one button, and my curviness, I may end up with gaps above and below.  (I wanted to stick with just one button, but I didn't want it to create gaps above and below....I wanted the button band to make a lovely vertical line up my mid-line):

Yes, mid-knit blocking was a very good idea, but now, having just tried it on thinking I'd take a picture and ask for input, I realize that I should have done the size XS.  It is much too big around, the back is too long for my short waist and curvy backside, and the ribbing placement didn't work out quite as I had hoped (rather than elongating my waistline, the shorter length of ribbing made me look choppy).

This is why I tend to stick with lace, hats, and - as you'll see tomorrow - mitts.  I'll rip and probably re-roll a size XS and see what happens.  Plus, here's an idea, maybe I'll just knit it as the pattern states.  :-)

Before I go kick Mr. Greenjeans to the curb, here's a great photo of a very sleepy/happy dog...

We went for a long walk in Discovery Park this afternoon, and Sirius is seriously wiped out.  He's lying on the floor with the side of his face on the edge of the sofa cushion and his muzzle on Rob's shin.  Doesn't seem comfortable to us, but he loves to do this when he's satisfied and sleepy.  Good dog!

Popsicle and a Hot Water Bottle

Ugh.  No sooner do I recoup from the flu than I come down with tonsillitis.  >:(

Interestingly, I don't get sick very often.  There's a lot of upheaval going on right now, though, so I guess that my immunity isn't quite as strong as usual.  This is also evidenced by a bit of an eczema outbreak on my upper arm (an allergic condition).  Clearly, more taking it easy and less stress is called for.  So I'm curled up on the sofa with a hot water bottle, a blanket, my husband beside me, the dog curled up at our feet and a popsicle in my mouth to soothe the ouch that is an inflamed tonsil and swollen lymph gland.

I did manage to rally for the WA caucus a little while ago, though it totally wiped me out.  Apparently in WA state we have a caucus in addition to the primary elections (via ballot), but it's only the caucus that counts.  I can't explain it further, as I haven't looked into it.  I just know that if I wanted my vote for the Democratic nominee to count, I needed to actually show up at the caucus.  Not a good day for it, health-wise, but it had to be done.  Thankfully we were able to just go, sign in, and leave.  Those wishing to vote on delegates or unsure of their vote stayed to hash things out, but since we were both confident in our vote and I shouldn't really be out in public, we left as soon as we could.  Now, thankfully, I am in for the rest of the day.

Before we left, the mailman delivered this month's Booty Club shipment.  It's bright pink, with purple and dark grey...it screams Monkey Socks to me, and so that is what it will become.  Hopefully I'll finish up my Snow on Cedars mitts (also done in a Yarn Pirate yarn) this weekend, and then I can start a new travel project (which is what the Monkeys will be).  To give you a quick update, my home projects are Rob's Never-ending Sweater and Mr. Greenjeans for me.

OK, popsicle's done, time to make some tea.

Would the "Real You" Please Stand Up?

I promised I would write more about the San Francisco Yoga Journal Conference...I really wanted to digest the experience and begin the process of integrating that which applies to my work, path and life before "putting it all out there" on the blog.  Well, that took a couple of weeks, but here's the first thing I want to "talk" about.

A major theme for the conference was "The Power of Women in Yoga".  In fact, this theme was a big reason why I decided to go.  It's no secret that in the U.S. most yoga practitioners are female, which is very interesting considering that the art and science of Yoga "belonged" to men for thousands of years.  Arguably, many women practiced yoga in some way throughout history, but not with the same opportunity or recognition as men.  Nowadays, most of the big names in western Yoga are female...and I particularly wanted to attend Saturday's panel discussion entitled "The Power of Women in Yoga".  In addition to the panel, two teachers were holding women-only classes, which I was keen to check out.

A major topic for the women involved both in the panel and in the women-only classes was "authentic movement/voice".  This is the idea that we have within us a potential for expression that is free from socialization, habit, and external concepts of right & wrong.  In contrast, what most of us (I would argue men, as well as women, but hey - it was a "just for us gals" kind of class) put forward on a day-to-day basis is affected...it is the face we want to present, it is one sculpted by judgment, rather than free of it.  The way we move, the way we speak, what we say, all of the ways we present ourselves is tangled up in various concepts of identity and definition (that which we perceive as well as that which is perceived by other people).

This is a basic philosophical tenet of Yoga - that there is the Self (that which is our essence, Spirit, Soul, Spark of the Divine, whatever terminology resonates with you) and then there is the ego (that which our mind says is "us"...it usually has a big identification with the mind and/or the body as being the extent of who and what we are).  It is my understanding that what the teachers were calling "Authentic Expression" is, in essence, the expression of our Spirit.  Their point seemed to be that by peeling back the layers of false-identity and socialization which women as a sex have accrued over centuries of conditioning, we can find within us the expression of our truest nature.

A lovely concept, and one that I wholeheartedly support for all people - men and women alike.  What I took issue with however, was that there was a little bit of "this is what authentic movement for women looks like" and "this is how women authentically express themselves" going on.  If someone else is telling you what is authentic for you, I have to question the authenticity of it!  It is really no different for a bunch of women to tell women how they should express themselves than it is for a bunch of men to do the same.  Either way, we end up being held to expectations of a norm that may or may not be a true expression of each woman.  I believe we should be encouraged to explore our authenticity, and to manifest it and express it in all ways.  I also agree that it can be helpful to see what some women's version of authentic movement or authentic voice looks/sounds like, but to attempt to emulate it is - by definition - not authentic.

The most direct way to find authentic movement is to meditate.  The most effective way to find your inner voice is to meditate.  You want to know who/what you really are and what your purpose in life is?  Meditate!  Meditation is the process of peeling back the layers of falseness and mis-identification we've created over years (or even lifetimes).  There are, to be sure, numerous ways in which to meditate, shared by teachers who have learned first hand the great gifts of this practice.  Emulate the method, not the result, and you will find the "real" you.

Blessings,
Kelly

A Close One

Public Service Announcement:

Oh my goodness!  I was catching up on some blog reading a little while ago when Rob announced from the other room that Hilltop Yarn had had a fire!  Eeeee gads!

If you're in the Seattle area and you're a fiber enthusiast, I trust you are familiar with this lovely yarn store on upper Queen Anne hill.  They sent out an e-mail to their mailing list, but in case you aren't on it and were planning a trip to yarn heaven.....

There was an electrical fire in the basement.  It was contained and apparently not bad (all things considered) except that now they have no electricity - which means no phones, too.  So they're closed until the lights are back on.  No injuries, human or fibery.

I'm sure they could use all the soothing, happy, cashmere-y thoughts you can spare.

February Funk?

There is a palpable sense of unease in the city today.  It's in the air, it's in the people...I can't put my finger on it but everything and everyone seems to be in a funk.  Rob said that people were yelling at each other on campus today - for no apparent reason.  I feel like I never really got started this morning...and I would happily go back to bed and probably sleep till tomorrow.

Is this the usual February Funk, or just an "off" day?  Who can say?  Hopefully it's just the human version of little creatures running amok right before a storm...maybe we're in for some nasty weather.

As for me, in a little while I get to go meet the newest little member of my yoga community.  At two weeks old, I figure she'll be able to teach me a thing or two about contentedness on a day like today.  :-)