A few days ago I stopped by a neighbor's house for a visit. She recently had a baby (she came to my prenatal classes for awhile), and I thought I'd drop by to see how she was doing, how he was doing, and just catch up. I believe (I hope!) that we are laying the foundations for a lovely friendship...at any rate, I really enjoy our conversations.
So, we were talking about the challenges facing so many women in our age group (thirties) when it comes to baby-making. In contrast, both of our mothers had a bagillion kids running around before they even hit the big three-oh. Aside from age, which we both agree is a contributing factor, we talked about something I found very poignant, and worth "putting out there". Many of us have at least one degree (if not more), have worked in the "real world" for awhile, we've been "independent women" for as long as we wanted before marrying the man we wanted to. Only now, when it seems to matter the most that we get what we want more than anything in the world, we are faced for the first time with the harsh reality that some things really are out of our control.
Seriously. For some of us that is a very hard pill to swallow. I fall into that category. It isn't as if I have not faced hardship in my life, but basically every challenge that I have set for myself (or that was set for me) I have not only faced but surpassed with flying colors. Always, if I put my mind, body and heart to it, I could make it happen. So, when we decided to embark on the baby-making voyage, I approached it in that same way...because it was how I approached everything:
1) Set goal.
Here, obviously, the goal was to conceive a child.
2) Figure out plan for achieving goal.
I went of the pill over a year before we even started trying, and commenced to temp and chart my
cycles.
3) Enlist help as needed.
My husband, obviously, was the major "help" involved. :-)
4) Put the impressive combined powers of my mind, body, and spirit into "the plan".
Temp, chart, analyze chart, well-timed nookie, the usual methods for achieving such a goal as this.
5) Enjoy achieving goal (victory!).
Uh, yeah, this is where we got hung up, to say the least.
How, then, is a woman who has always approached things in a meticulous, planned, and ever-so-slightly controlling manner supposed to accept the general advice of those around her who say, "Probably you're too stressed out. Surely once you relax, take it easy for a bit, you'll conceive!" We hear this a lot, you know. It isn't unkind, and it is a completely valid observation. Many of us, however, find it offensive (or so I gather).
My friend and I talked about how insidious stress is and how very many things there are that different people find stressful. How trying to conceive causes its own kind of stress, and having it not happen month after month makes it even worse. And how, truly, it isn't surprising that so-and-so conceived during her three-month sabbatical from a demanding job. Then, she looked straight into my eyes and asked (I'm afraid I must paraphrase here, as I wasn't taking notes - lol), "Doesn't it irk you when people say that? That all you need to do is relax.....as if it were that easy? doesn't it imply that it's your 'fault' you haven't conceived?"
Huh.
Well, it was then that I realized how different a woman I am today than I was when we first decided to start a family (almost) two years ago. I shrugged a little and said, quite honestly, "No. And here's why:
I believe in our power to affect our circumstances. I believe that the way in which I perceive my life is more indicative of my stress (in this case) than what experiences I may actually have. Just because I am less controlling and stressed than I used to be does not mean that I am as relaxed as I can someday be. To me, this is empowering! If what I need is to "let go", then it is within my power to affect the situation, is it not? I agree, I need to chill about some things. And I agree, it is NOT easy to chill when you have "survived" up to now by being very in charge of everything around you. With this baby thing, though? I think that I have proven that I am so far from being in charge that it isn't even funny."
And yet, I am a major player in this family drama. I have choices. The way my life, my health, my love, my work, my attitude, etc., etc., etc. is at this moment is a result of choices I have made. I am the pilot of my cruise ship, and while I may need a navigator and a co-pilot (heck, while we're at it can I request a brigade of cooks, housekeepers, and entertainment?) I am the one who decides if I will continue on my current heading or not. Detours, re-routing, delays, all are within my power to affect and change. The weather? Not in my power. The movement of a protected pod of orcas? Nope. An unforeseen accident on-board? Uh uh. But how I handle those situation is completely within my power.
So, nowadays I approach life from a different (in this case, yogic) perspective:
1) Know my Self.
2) Do my best at all times, as I do the work that I am here to do.
3) Trust that I am in the hands of the Divine, and that all will be as it should.
See there? Two out of three of the above things are still within my control. I'd say those are pretty good odds. Now, please excuse me while I go relax for the rest of the evening. :-)
Comments