Seattle Yogini

Teaching: Pelvic Floor Workshop

My annual Lifting the Pelvic Floor workshop is coming up in July.  Below is an article I wrote for the Yoga Centers e-newsletter, entitled "Why I Teach the Pelvic Floor Workshop".  If you'd like to join the workshop, click on the link or contact Yoga Centers (425-746-7476) to register.

If you have questions or comments, leave a comment so everyone can learn!

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People are sometimes surprised that I have such an interest in a part of the body that is so “private”; an area that may seem irrelevant to everyday life. We often speak around the pelvic floor but not directly about the pelvic floor. This may be in part due to a desire to be discreet. After all, in order to properly discuss the pelvic floor, one must be willing to utter words like “genitalia” and “anus”. As a prenatal yoga teacher and a doula, I use words like that in a professional setting surprisingly often!

I have found it very helpful to speak frankly about seemingly discreet topics. For me, it all boils down to one simple fact: we all have a pelvic floor. We all have those nearby body parts. We all benefit from building our awareness of the pelvic floor and learning to strengthen it. I have taught women and men about the importance of the pelvic floor and how to care for it for years. I continue to feel passionately about it...particularly when I see the wonderful results people have from using some basic knowledge and exercises, like those I teach in my workshop.

I first became interested in the pelvic floor after a visit to my midwife years ago. I went in for a well woman check up, and the midwife did the usual exam, during which she said “squeeze my fingers”. I did as instructed, and she responded with an enthusiastic “Whoa! I love yoga people's pelvic floors”. I didn't really know what she meant, because it hadn't occurred to me that my pelvic floor might be any different from anybody else's. So I started to look into it. I considered the daily activities in which I consciously use my pelvic floor (particularly during my yoga practice, but also in everyday situations such as coughing, sneezing, walking, or climbing the stairs). I started researching books on the topic. The more I learned, the more interested I became. Eventually I realized that I had an awareness and a knowledge base that might be helpful for other people – especially considering the many unfortunate consequences of a lazy pelvic floor. So I developed a workshop dedicated to the pelvic floor.

As far as I know, my pelvic floor workshop is the only workshop of its kind. It's a very liberating experience for participants, as we create a space in which everyone can ask questions, trouble-shoot, and discuss what's going on “down there” freely. There are often a lot of questions, and we all learn a lot as we work through the material and the exercises together. It doesn't matter what stage of life or which sex a student is, everyone can improve their health by learning how to properly use the pelvic floor.

Try this: go back to the top of this article and read the whole thing while lifting your pelvic floor. Relax for a couple of minutes and then do it again while reading the article out loud. Why out loud? Well, do it and feel the difference. Are you intrigued? If so, then I hope to see you in my workshop this July!

Questioning the Answers

I have asked the question over and over again in prayer, in meditation, in the in-between moments that are the real stuff of life:

"What must I do?  How must I grow, change, re-form in order to live as You?  How must I change in order to welcome new life?  What must I do?"

But I don't like the answers that are coming now, finally, fast and furious through my body and mind.

I don't like them, and wonder,

"Could that really be true?"

There is nothing to do but continue to ask, continue to listen to the answer.  Have faith when the answer continues - and gets stronger - that I am not deceiving myself, making up an answer because I want one so sincerely.  As the answer continues, the same, I will know it as my answer and

I will act.

Pause for the Cause - Support for Midwifery

Sri Aurobindo wrote, "All Life is Yoga".  What he meant was that the work to bring harmony and union into our lives is done through every aspect of life, not just the time we spend doing our asana practice.  The bigger work of yoga - seeing, supporting and manifesting the Divine in all matter - must be done through every aspect of life, in each moment and with each breath.  This statement conveys the empowerment and responsibility that each person has to continually grow, inspire, and connect.

Today I am writing to beseech you to participate in a grassroots movement to persuade the federal government to support the Midwifery Model of Care in upcoming healthcare reforms.  Specifically, the intention is to mandate Medicaid coverage for CPM (Certified Professional Midwife/"Direct Entry Midwife") care...a step that would greatly increase the overall recognition of the outstanding level of care women and infants receive from Midwives.

We will need all the support we can get, as the AMA (American Medical Association) and ACOG (American College of Gynecologists), both large, vocal and well-funded industry associations/lobbyists are opposed to midwifery and homebirth (not all midwife-attended births are homebirths, but it is nearly impossible to have anyone but a midwife attend a homebirth).  Their position is not a fact-based position, but rather a $$$- and power-based one.  In contrast, it is notable that the World Health Organization's position is clearly for the midwifery model of care.

I strongly believe that the way we treat conception, pregnancy, labor, mamas and newborn babies has the potential to heal, or set us up for a great deal of hardship.  Gentle birthing practices that respect the mother and child individually and as a dyad are imperative.  With cesarian sections at 33% of births nationwide (an appalling statistic that merely represents the nation's average), the concept of "informed consent" questionable (to say the least), misinformation and mistreatment of women's (and babies') bodies rampant, we have reached a very low point in our method of welcoming new life.

The midwifery model of care must be secured as an option for those who seek safe, supportive, self-directed labor and delivery experiences.  Whether one personally chooses to use a midwife or not, the option must remain available for all families.

We have just about a week to make our voices heard.  Please review the statement below, from the Seattle Midwifery School.  Put your values of non-violence and compassion to good use and click through the link to voice your support.

Namaste,
Kelly

From the Seattle Midwifery School:

"We are at a moment in history that could affect the future of midwifery for decades.  We have the opportunity to positively influence health care legislation to ensure access to midwifery care or be left behind as details of a reformed system are established in law in the next few months.  

The M.A.M.A. campaign is a historic coalition of the key midwifery and consumer organizations in the U.S. unified behind the goal of achieving federal recognition of Certified Professional Midwives.  Our specific goal in the next weeks is inserting an amendment into the health care bills that are moving through congress right now to mandate Medicaid coverage for CPM services on the federal level.  

This multi-faceted campaign is being directed by a steering committee of dedicated volunteers, and paid staff: an experienced lobbyist in Washington D.C., campaign coordinator and a project consultant with national health care reform experience and connections.

This week Amber Ulvenes, lobbyist for the Midwives' Association of Washington State and a midwifery consumer, and I are participating in a country-wide "fly-in" of midwives and advocates to DC to work with the campaign's federal lobbyist to amend this language into the Senate Finance bill when it goes to committee mark-up the week of June 22nd.

In addition to mobilizing grass roots support, right now funds are urgently needed to sustain this work through the next few months when legislation is being drafted.

If you believe midwifery care represents a vital resource in a reformed U.S. health care system and support access to midwifery care for all women, please join us!

What you can do now:

1. Visit the new M.A.M.A. Campaign website at www.mamacampaign.org.   Sign up as an endorser, volunteer and donate!
   
   
2. Forward this message to everyone you think supports increased access to midwifery care and ask them to join the M.A.M.A. campaign also.

Numbers count.  Dollars count. This is a moment when we must mobilize all available resources!

Thank you,

Seattle Midwifery School Midwifery Education Chair
Board of Directors, National Association of Certified Professional Midwives"

Spring Cleaning with a Parasite Cleanse

I'm spring cleaning my innards.

I'll bet that got your attention!  Call it spring cleaning gone inward, but last week I started a cleanse (with chelation), and this week bumped it up a notch (to parasite cleansing).  There is a lot of information available about cleansing, but much of it seems to be weight-loss or "general health" focused rather than parasite focused, so I'll add to the clamor and let you discern for yourself what might work for you and your health needs.

First of all, let me state plainly that I am in great health, so I wasn't feeling the need to cleanse in order to beat a chronic illness, lay waste to allergies, re-align my digestion, improve my sleep or one of the other wonderful results of a proper cleanse.  I am, however, interested in being as healthy as I can be, and the transition between seasons is the perfect time to do a cleanse.  If you are living with a chronic issue I highly recommend you work with a naturopath or ayurvedic practitioner who can design a cleanse tailored to your needs.  Please don't take my regimen as a "prescription", because it isn't!  Only you and/or your health care provider can determine what will serve you best.

With this cleanse, my main focus is on parasites.  I'll talk about the chelation another time.  What parasites, you ask?  We are exposed to parasites from many everyday sources, and living in a "developed country" does not put us out of risk of infestation.  I have lived in two foreign countries for extended periods of time (South Korea and Saudi Arabia) where I ate a number of foods that were prepared at a...different standard...than my usual fare.  While I have not had any antibiotics in a number of years, I have been treated with a chemotherapy drug which certainly affected my body long-term.  Heck, just sharing my home with a dog means I am quite likely often exposed to parasites.  This article has a really great description of the reasons to do a parasite cleanse.  Different parasites gravitate toward different parts of the body (some especially like the spine, others are content in the intestines, for example), and different cleansing regimes/products address these different parasites.

I have chosen to use two products from Young Living Essential Oils:  ParaFree and ComforTone.  It is essential that the efficiency of the colon be maintained when cleansing parasites, lest their waste and detritus remain stuck in your body, making you sick(er).  We have to move out the buggies that are dying off, and ComforTone facilitates that.  It isn't a fiber supplement, but rather a formula of herbs and essential oils that support colon function.  The ParaFree is the formula (again, of herbs and essential oils) that actually kills the parasites.  The company recommends the following cycle:  21 days on, 7 days off, repeat for a total of 3 cycles.  This is to ensure that you get all of the parasites at their various stages of growth (including recently hatched eggs - ew).

So, we started on Sunday evening (4/5) and are on day six as of tonight.  Many of my colleagues have used these products for their own cleansing, so I have heard reactions ranging from "It makes me feel tired", to the tell-tale headaches caused by die-off, to "I love cleansing, I always feel so clear-headed and light afterward".  After taking the single Parafree capsule Sunday night, I awoke Monday morning sort of expecting a headache, at the very least.  So far, so good.  I haven't had any flu-like symptoms and don't feel any more tired than before.  Rob has had a little more difficulty, what with full-blown hay fever and helping our friend the contractor with work this week.  He is definitely feeling fatigued.

One of the most over-looked aspects of a proper cleanse is the importance of high-quality nutrition during (and after, of course) the cleanse.  The body is working hard to process out all of this stuff you're sloughing, which can be quite tiring.  Also, on an esoteric level, parasites hold negative thought patterns and dark energy, so as that moves out of the body it can bring up a lot of "stuff" - emotional, psychic, etc.  Cleansing can be tiring, so rest is very important.  Hydration must be increased, along with highly nutritious foods high in fiber.  We have doubled our intake of Sunrider's NuPlus as well as the cleansing beverages Calli Tea and Fortune Delight Tea.  We're also eating plenty of ghee and other healthy fats, Chyawanprash and lots of raw veggies (smoothies are my new favorite thing).

I'll post about this process on Fridays, trying to be thorough but not graphic.  Next week I'll talk about chelation, and why it's so important to our health!

More on the Trust Birth Conference

As you might imagine, my weekend at the Trust Birth Conference included lots of birth videos.  It was wonderful and inspiring to see the miracle of birth in so much varied detail.  I was very thankful to have been able to attend all of the classes that I wanted.  Even better, the classes that I was interested in but did not choose will be available for purchase and download from the website in the next week or so.  Yay!

I can't really say what topic was most interesting, because for me they all worked synergistically to form a clearer picture of how I want my birthing experience(s) to be.  It felt like a re-education as I let go of the socially created fear around pregnancy and childbirth and gathered into my heart these amazing examples of how pregnancy and birth can be.  As Karen Strange, CPM says, "It's meant to work, even if nobody's there to 'help'."  It's a simple enough statement, but totally mind-blowing when we are taught (implicitly and overtly) that pregnancy is uncomfortable and birth is a marathon in which a great deal of pain is to be expected.  What if each "is" were replaced with "might"?  What if we emphasized that it "might" be joyful, intense, quick and experienced with ease?  How would our perspectives shift?

As we discussed in "Believe Your Way to a Better Birth" with Laura Shanley, if you expect it to be hard, you create more potential for it to be that way.  Our thoughts are very powerful, and just as we can make a bad situation worse by having a dismal attitude, we can create sweet outcomes by focusing on the positive in our situation.  As a yogini, this really resonated with me.  Of course we can create our reality - not necessarily (though quite possibly) by thinking certain things to change the situation (which is how detractors portray it) but rather by changing our own perspective, and therefore our experience of the situation.  This was very powerful reinforcement for me in terms of letting go of the fear of what a future pregnancy might be like for me.  The truth is I can't know, but I can create the best possible circumstances and keep my mind away from fear (and the adrenalin it releases), focusing on the wonder instead.

I learned a lot about the perineum.  There is a great deal of debate in the birthing community about the degree to which the perineum needs to be "prepared" for delivery (through prenatal perineal massage, for example).  In addition, people have numerous opinions on what (if any) perineal interventions should be practiced, such as hot- or cold-packs, oil massage, counter-pressure, etc.  A panel discussion called "Don't Push Me:  Physiologic Pushing" helped me understand this even better.  If a laboring woman allows her body to do the pushing (which it will...an undrugged woman really doesn't need to be told to push, and generally the "ring of fire" will slow down her urges to push just when it's time to back off) then the body can orchestrate and organize its efforts in a way that creates an optimal outcome.  So, by allowing the process to unfold, rather than clinging to the need to control or guide it, the body is more likely to soften and open in the right places at the right time - because it's designed to do this!  Note:  If you read both of those links, you'll see what I'm talking about regarding the debate in the community.  The first link says that prenatal perineal massage is shown to help prevent tearing, while the second link says it isn't necessarily helpful.  These were just the top google result for each entry, I didn't look for discord.

Prenatal testing:  Oh My Goodness!  It's amazing how the more technology we develop, the more we want to use it.  Since I am now what some would consider a contender for future "high risk" pregnancy (due to my ectopic pregnancy), most practitioners would probably want to do an ultrasound on me as soon as there's anything to see....just to make sure that everything is in the right place this time.  I suppose this is intended to reassure me, but the truth is that I don't like this idea at all.  There are risks to ultrasound, and just because it's routinely used doesn't mean that it's actually safe.  The degree to which obstetric technology is tested before implementation is reprehensible.  Effectively, each woman is a test-subject when she submits to these "routine" screenings or other procedures (particularly drugs, some of which even say not to be used during pregnancy!  Argh!).  I, for one, am not interested in advancing science...I'm interested in advancing my relationship to my baby.  Seeing my pregnancy and my baby as representing a danger to me is not productive to this goal.  Yes, I could have another ectopic, but there's just as much chance (if not more) that I won't!  Anyway based upon my last experience, I'm quite confident that I will know well before any imaging technology can "prove" it to me.

I learned so much in "Baby's Experience of Birth", which really helped me develop even more compassion for a just-born babe.  Karen Strange gave a great analogy, which I would like to share here in my own words:  Imagine that you're in one of those sensory deprivation tanks.  You're in body-temperature water, so you can't tell where you end and the water begins.  It's a closed tank, so you're in total darkness and really can't hear anything but your own heartbeat.  There is nothing to smell, and nothing to taste.  You stay here, relaxing into the quiet and feeling your body float gently in this warm, enclosed space.  Now, on the outside, a group of friends has gathered to welcome you out!  They've got all the lights on so that they can see your face when you appear.  Someone is burning scented candles to create more "atmosphere".  There's music playing and they're ready with cameras, video equipment, and towels.  You slowly open the lid to the tank, and a beam of bright light shines right into your eyes, making you see stars.  You feel the cool air hit your skin at about the same time you hear loud noises as people's exclamations and the music fill your head all at once.  You step out of the tank on wobbly legs, trying to get your equilibrium, when a very strong smell fills your nose.  Suddenly people start rubbing you with towels, patting you on the back, you feel hands pushing you this way and that.  How might that feel?  Would you not consider either climbing right back into that tank or, at the very least, crying your eyes out?  This is the a true example of shock.  Now, granted, this is an adult version of what the birthing experience might be like.  Our nervous systems are much more mature than a newborns, and you would be able to adapt very quickly as you realize that the strong smell is familiar (lavender), that the hands are of your loved ones.  You would probably begin to feel at ease relatively quickly.  You recognize that the music playing is your favorite CD and that the bright light was just the flash of a camera.  Babies don't know any of this, though.  Of course babies are highly adaptable, but information overload is information overload...and a new baby doesn't have any frame of reference for all of this commotion.  It's no wonder their little faces crunch up into a "put me back" face!

My notebook has pages of notes.  In some areas, I've put stars next to things that I want to remember for my future birthing experience.  There are notes for terms I want to look up.  I have a page of book recommendations, and notes to myself about changes I want to make for my prenatal yoga classes.  Later this week I will write about the much more intimate experience of the "Life After Loss" class (for that link, click on "midwifery", and "early loss" to read more), which was the culmination of the weekend for me and the reason that I felt so strongly that I needed to go to this conference.

I look forward to incorporating the lessons I learned this weekend, and what I will continue to learn as I research, start reading the recommended books, and create my own expression of the basic belief that (as Carla Hartley says) "Birth is Safe, Intervention is Risky."

P.s.  Of course there are situations for which we can be thankful that we have life-saving technology.  My issue is not with any use of technology, but rather with its routine use and the failure to recognize that we end up creating the need for "life saving" through many preliminary interventions.  I take issue with the general treatment of pregnancies/birthing as an emergency waiting to happen.  This attitude is, I believe, detrimental to the main people involved - mama and baby.  In most of the world, childbirth is considered a natural, normal thing (not something that needs to be "fixed" along the way).  In the US, however, we use more technological interventions and continue to have the highest infant- and mother-mortality rates of all developed countries.  One can only conclude that our fervor for technology is not resulting in improved outcomes, no matter how much we wish it would.

The Trust Birth Conference

Humbling, empowering, inspiring, healing, intense

Just a few words to sum up my experiences at the Trust Birth Conference this past weekend.  I am so grateful that I was able to go, and for all the speakers who put in time, effort, and travel to put the event together.

As you might imagine, I have a lot to process and integrate.  I just got back home last night and I am very tired.  Content, powerful, but tired.  :-)

I may write more about the conference later, but for now it's too fresh.  If you're curious about the speakers, or the event in general, you can get more information at the Trust Birth Conference website.

Just Relax!

A few days ago I stopped by a neighbor's house for a visit.  She recently had a baby (she came to my prenatal classes for awhile), and I thought I'd drop by to see how she was doing, how he was doing, and just catch up.  I believe (I hope!) that we are laying the foundations for a lovely friendship...at any rate, I really enjoy our conversations.

So, we were talking about the challenges facing so many women in our age group (thirties) when it comes to baby-making.  In contrast, both of our mothers had a bagillion kids running around before they even hit the big three-oh.  Aside from age, which we both agree is a contributing factor, we talked about something I found very poignant, and worth "putting out there".  Many of us have at least one degree (if not more), have worked in the "real world" for awhile, we've been "independent women" for as long as we wanted before marrying the man we wanted to.  Only now, when it seems to matter the most that we get what we want more than anything in the world, we are faced for the first time with the harsh reality that some things really are out of our control.

Seriously.  For some of us that is a very hard pill to swallow.  I fall into that category.  It isn't as if I have not faced hardship in my life, but basically every challenge that I have set for myself (or that was set for me) I have not only faced but surpassed with flying colors.  Always, if I put my mind, body and heart to it, I could make it happen.  So, when we decided to embark on the baby-making voyage, I approached it in that same way...because it was how I approached everything:

1)  Set goal.
            Here, obviously, the goal was to conceive a child.
2)  Figure out plan for achieving goal.
           I went of the pill over a year before we even started trying, and commenced to temp and chart my
            cycles.
3)  Enlist help as needed.
            My husband, obviously, was the major "help" involved.  :-)
4)  Put the impressive combined powers of my mind, body, and spirit into "the plan".
            Temp, chart, analyze chart, well-timed nookie, the usual methods for achieving such a goal as this.
5)  Enjoy achieving goal (victory!).
            Uh, yeah, this is where we got hung up, to say the least.

How, then, is a woman who has always approached things in a meticulous, planned, and ever-so-slightly controlling manner supposed to accept the general advice of those around her who say, "Probably you're too stressed out.  Surely once you relax, take it easy for a bit, you'll conceive!"  We hear this a lot, you know.  It isn't unkind, and it is a completely valid observation.  Many of us, however, find it offensive (or so I gather).

My friend and I talked about how insidious stress is and how very many things there are that different people find stressful.  How trying to conceive causes its own kind of stress, and having it not happen month after month makes it even worse.  And how, truly, it isn't surprising that so-and-so conceived during her three-month sabbatical from a demanding job.  Then, she looked straight into my eyes and asked (I'm afraid I must paraphrase here, as I wasn't taking notes - lol), "Doesn't it irk you when people say that?  That all you need to do is relax.....as if it were that easy?  doesn't it imply that it's your 'fault' you haven't conceived?"

Huh.

Well, it was then that I realized how different a woman I am today than I was when we first decided to start a family (almost) two years ago.  I shrugged a little and said, quite honestly, "No.  And here's why:

I believe in our power to affect our circumstances.  I believe that the way in which I perceive my life is more indicative of my stress (in this case) than what experiences I may actually have.  Just because I am less controlling and stressed than I used to be does not mean that I am as relaxed as I can someday be.  To me, this is empowering!  If what I need is to "let go", then it is within my power to affect the situation, is it not?  I agree, I need to chill about some things.  And I agree, it is NOT easy to chill when you have "survived" up to now by being very in charge of everything around you.  With this baby thing, though?  I think that I have proven that I am so far from being in charge that it isn't even funny."

And yet, I am a major player in this family drama.  I have choices.  The way my life, my health, my love,  my work, my attitude, etc., etc., etc. is at this moment is a result of choices I have made.  I am the pilot of my cruise ship, and while I may need a navigator and a co-pilot (heck, while we're at it can I request a brigade of cooks, housekeepers, and entertainment?) I am the one who decides if I will continue on my current heading or not.  Detours, re-routing, delays, all are within my power to affect and change.  The weather?  Not in my power.  The movement of a protected pod of orcas?  Nope.  An unforeseen accident on-board?  Uh uh.  But how I handle those situation is completely within my power.

So, nowadays I approach life from a different (in this case, yogic) perspective:

1)  Know my Self.
2)  Do my best at all times, as I do the work that I am here to do.
3)  Trust that I am in the hands of the Divine, and that all will be as it should.

See there?  Two out of three of the above things are still within my control.  I'd say those are pretty good odds.  Now, please excuse me while I go relax for the rest of the evening.  :-)

Spring, Knitting and Babies - Oh My!

So it dawned on me today that spring is almost here.  In Seattle we are under the (mistaken, I believe) impression that spring has already sprung...I mean, just look at the evidence that the Yarn Harlot offers from her Madrona trip!  Anyway, so I was thinking about life after "Rob's Never-ending Sweater" and realized:  Oh!  It'll have to be something less wintry (if not, necessarily, less woolly).  Methinks it's time to visit the stash.  At least I can do a swatch or two while I frog, knit, frog, knit, frog, knit the sleeves of the sweater.  Ya know, for sanity's sake.  :-)

I still have to frog Mr. Greenjeans, and have decided that the lovely, washable yarn will become a "Big Bad Baby Blanket" for our (someday) "Little, Sweet, Baby Pretlow".  It'll be my travel project for my upcoming trip to (drum-roll, please) the Trust Birth Conference.  I am so excited I cannot even tell you!  Writers of midwife/natural birth/doula - type blogs are all atwitter about this event, and have been for a few weeks (the links are just three of the baby blogs I follow).  When I first read (know before you go:  there's a childbirth photo in that link...which means nekkid bits) about the conference my interest was piqued, but I wasn't sure I could work it out (what with having to arrange subs for my classes, etc.).  Last week I looked at the classes again and realized that I must go.  Period.  So, I arranged.

Here's what I've signed up for (you can read a full listing, or the details of these classes, by clicking here).  You can even order downloads of the lectures after the conference concludes.  Isn't that cool?

• The womanly Art of Birthing:  Secrets Doctors Don't Know
• Postpartum Fitness:  More Than Getting Back into your Jeans
• Prenatal Testing and Ultrasound:  The Whole Story for Mother and Baby
• Baby's Experience of Birth
• Don't Push Me; Physiologic Pushing
• Hands Off the Perineum
• Why Women Stay Home Alone
• Believe Your Way to a Better Birth
• Embracing Life After Loss:  How We Can Help Them

Some of these classes are particularly for professional development (i.e. "Postpartum Fitness") but all of them are for personal growth.  As I was listing my choices on the registration form, I realized that the last class is probably the reason that I feel so strongly that I absolutely must go to this conference.  It's aim is to teach women how to help other women "through the grief of an early loss and how to welcome new life with joy and without the fears that are typically imposed after a pregnancy loss, still birth, or early childhood death."  I mean, how could I miss such a healing opportunity?  I feel certain that this will help me help myself with the loss of my first pregnancy, as well, particularly as we venture into the land of "hoping to conceive" once more.

It seems only appropriate to take along a baby blanket project for a conference such as this, does it not?

February Funk?

There is a palpable sense of unease in the city today.  It's in the air, it's in the people...I can't put my finger on it but everything and everyone seems to be in a funk.  Rob said that people were yelling at each other on campus today - for no apparent reason.  I feel like I never really got started this morning...and I would happily go back to bed and probably sleep till tomorrow.

Is this the usual February Funk, or just an "off" day?  Who can say?  Hopefully it's just the human version of little creatures running amok right before a storm...maybe we're in for some nasty weather.

As for me, in a little while I get to go meet the newest little member of my yoga community.  At two weeks old, I figure she'll be able to teach me a thing or two about contentedness on a day like today.  :-)

On Stress and Heartache

The past week, as you can probably guess from my lack of posting, has been particularly stressful.  It is the result of the on-going kitchen project, coupled with Rob's week of finals and my own work updating the studio schedule for summertime classes.  We feel frayed.  Or, more accurately, I feel the low boil of irritation just under the surface of my previously calm life.  I haven't felt the results of stress in a long time - not since getting out of the military and getting settled into civilian life.  Sure, there's the occasional stress from a deadline, or test, or crazy drivers or something, but not the kind of stress that quietly builds up until you feel like you might just crumble.  Thank goodness for my yoga practice...I prefer not to imagine how I'd feel (or how I'd manage) without it.

So we are taking it easy this weekend.  The kitchen project had a three-day weekend, which has been great.  Nobody in the house but us!  Mostly we're sleeping...a LOT.  Now we're settled in for the rest of our Sunday (having ventured out for groceries), calling fathers to wish them a happy day, and sipping tea.

On our way home from groceries we spotted a dad and his young daughter kicking a soccerball in the park.  She was spinning around with a jacket on her head, and he was laughing and chasing down the ball.  Rob looked over wistfully and commented on how sweet it was.  I agreed, and felt a familiar ache...

This would have been Rob's first Father's Day.  This time last summer, I was pregnant with our first baby.  We were overjoyed, figuring out the due date, coming up with names and watching my body change - even in that first trimester.  Then we got the phone call from the midwife - hormone levels didn't look good, she gently told me.  She probably already knew what I couldn't accept:  I'd already lost the baby, it was just a matter of time until the bleeding began.  At eight - nine weeks I had what we all thought was a miscarriage, and while it was true that our baby had passed away before it even really got a foothold on life, we later learned that we had not yet reached the end of the pregnancy.

As it turned out, I had an ectopic pregnancy.  The embryo, placenta, yolk sac, everything had implanted in my right fallopian tube.  Because I had zero risk factors for this, and wasn't far enough along to have had an ultrasound yet, nobody suspected it.  We all assumed that when I started bleeding, it signaled the end of the pregnancy.  So, when I developed a horrific pain in my lower right abdomen about two weeks later, I thought I had appendicitis!  Thinking it might be a complication from the miscarriage, my doctor sent me for a same-day ultrasound where we found out that I was, in fact, still pregnant.

Thus began the longest summer we have ever known.  Treatment for ectopics have come a long way, but women are still left with only two options:  surgery to remove the mass and the tube, or chemotherapy (a drug called methotrexate, to be specific).  Neither option is particularly palatable, but the alternative is the likely rupture of the tube - and possible death of the mother.  In my case, the embryo looked to be about six weeks gestation, and had no heartbeat.  Since I was technically 10 - 11 weeks along, it was clear that it had passed away awhile before the "miscarriage".  It was the placenta that posed a threat to my well-being.  It grows on auto-pilot, from what I understand, and I would have been taking a huge risk if I'd waited for my HcG levels to drop enough to get it to stop growing.  Since I did not want to undergo abdominal surgery, no matter how "relatively minor" the incision would be, I chose methotrexate.

That was June 26, 2006, almost a year ago.  I was bedridden for over a week after treatment (which consists of one injection in each buttock), and had relapses of debilitating pain intermittently for the rest of the summer.  I couldn't bend over or lift my legs higher than was required to shuffle down the hall.  Passing anything - gas, urine, a bowel movement, was absolutely excruciating.  I could barely make it through the post-treatment exam at my midwife's office.  My whole pelvic region was swollen and irritated - due to the inflammation from the ectopic, plus the drugs, plus the by-products of the bio-matter breaking down inside of me.  This didn't even begin to compare to the feelings of loss:  from my perspective, we had lost our baby not once, but twice.  It was too much to bear, so we concentrated on helping my body heal.

Coming up on the anniversary of this life-changing event, and realizing its proximity to Father's Day, is very bittersweet.  I am thankful to be on the other end of it, and that my body has finally recovered.  Rob and I grew together in ways I never knew possible, as I literally depended upon him for everything, and there were more than a couple of times when he thought I might die.  We mourned the loss of that pregnancy, even while we hold tightly to the hope that it will not be our last.  The stress of last week makes all of this feel very close to the surface.  Perhaps, that is the gift of stress - it pulls away the heavy curtain that keeps difficult feelings or experiences at bay.  Without that curtain, I can see more vividly into my past, I can feel old emotions as if for the first time, and recognize how very many of them I still carry.

My yoga practice and study of yogic philosophy has taught me that while we say that our hearts ache, in actuality the heart is the strongest aspect of humanity.  It represents the home of the spirit in the physical body, and the spirit is much stronger than the body or the mind.  So, while today I feel the familiar ache of loss and grief, I know that my heart is far from "broken".  In losing my pregnancy I lost my innocence, but through my healing process I also learned to shed a very controlling aspect of myself, as well as a very fearful one.  Indeed, a version of myself died last summer, but from its ashes a stronger, more vibrant, more thankful woman arose.  This is the gift of loss, and the gift of stress has shown it to me again.

Happy Father's Day.