Seattle Yogini

Why I Am Doing A Positivity Project

Well, for one thing, it's an assignment for my Counseling class this quarter. But after reading the article upon which the assignment is based, it sounds like just the kind of kick-starter I want to get this year off to a good start. Incidentally, if you have access to a paper copy of The Sun and can read the whole article, please take the time to dig it up, sit down, and read it in its entirety. It is worth every minute.

The article is an interview with Barbra Fredrickson, a psychologist who does research on positive thought. Some tidbits from the article that I found particularly supportive:

“There’s a famous paper in psychology called ‘Happy but Mindless?’ which suggests that people who are happy are somehow bubble-headed softies, not critical of the world and therefore not intellectuals. I think that’s a distorted stereotype that highly critical people cultivate to justify their own negativity.”

“Being positive or negative isn’t about being smart or dumb; it’s about thinking broadly or narrowly. Whether thinking broadly is useful or not depends on the situation you’re in. It’s just a different style of thinking. In some circumstances it can help you be more creative.”

“...we’ve found that negativity is required for flourishing...Denying the negative and painting on the positive is unhealthy, and anybody who makes it their goal never to express a negative emotion quickly drives everyone away from them, because we know their positivity isn’t real.”

                                                                                        ~ Barbara Fredrickson

That last bit may raise some eyebrows among my yoga friends and colleagues, but it really resonates with me. It gets to the heart of the issue, which is authenticity. Everyone experiences hard times and of course we can endeavor to look at the bright side. That said, to deny the existence of pained feelings, to brush them away with a positive-thought-broom before we even get a chance to truly feel them, is to deny a part of the human existence...an existence for which we have all, apparently, signed up. (For more on the importance of honoring sadness, look for Thomas Moore's book, Dark Nights of the Soul).

I choose to take a generally positive outlook on life. That does not mean that I don't allow myself to feel pain. Frankly, anyone who's been reading this blog for awhile has read about some of my pain. I agree with Fredrickson, however, that striving for a ratio of 3 (or more) positive feelings to each single "negative" feeling is enough to get out of the negative feedback loop in which so many people are stuck. If there is a "magic number" for shifting to a life of contentment, it seems to be 3:1.

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Okay, so my positivity project. There were so many ideas offered in class, all intriguing. Things like keeping a daily gratitude journal (feeling gratitude helps us to feel positive - and humble - after all), spending 30 minutes outside each day (this week I'm really glad that I didn't choose that one!), spending time each day in quiet contemplation (a.k.a. prayer, meditation, or reflection), and writing weekly thank you notes to people in your life. I liked all of these, but I also wanted to tie this project in with my Improvement Goal (also for this class, and I'll write about it next week).

I choose to dance for half an hour every day.

I feel most me when I am moving, and when I am dancing in particular. I feel joyful, powerful, loved and loving. I feel strong, fluid and graceful. I feel poised, disciplined, and beautiful. These feelings especially apply to my bellydancing, but really as long as I get a chance to shake it every day I know that my overall sense of having had a "good day" will increase.

As a member of Nomatitude I know that I'll dance for about 90 minutes on Tuesdays at troupe rehearsal and 60 minutes on Thursdays in class. I am not limiting my project to bellydancing though. On some days, the dancing will come in the form of shakin' it around my living room. On others, it will be a Zumba class. Hell, maybe I'll finally try a Nia class. The point is that every day I will carve out some time - at intervals if I can't do it all at once - to move my body in a way that says:

"welcome home, Arya".

 

A Baby Catcher is Born

 

One of the realizations I made during my springtime quietude was that it is time for me to become a midwife.  On some level I have known this for a long time, but I didn't want to know it.  I thought it was the forgotten dream of an ardent eighteen-year-old, no longer applicable to my life.  It was at that age that I first learned about some of the common interventions used in childbirth.  I was appalled, and outraged that birth seemed to have become something that happens to women, rather than something that they themselves do.  I wrote a paper for school entitled, "The Dangers of the Medicalization of Childbirth" (this was in 1995) and learned about the midwifery model of care, which views pregnancy and childbirth and normal and healthy.  Then I realized that I didn't actually know any midwives, it was illegal in many states at the time, and I had no idea how one became a midwife.  I wasn't interested in becoming an activist, I wanted to be a midwife.  I shrugged off the fleeting dream of what I might do when I grew up and continued going about the business of being a college student.

And yet...my course of study continued to focus on women, empowerment, the body, health, reproductive issues and rights, sexuality education, and eventually Purna Yoga, specializing in prenatal yoga, and becoming a doula.  This move to become a midwife feels like a development of, not a diversion from, my current work.

This morning on our local NPR station the topic of the 9am show is Natural Childbirth.  The ad stated that less than 1% of couples choose a non-medicated, little to no-intervention birth (they didn't state whether that was local, state-, or nation-wide).  That means that less than 1% of childbearing women have faith that they can do this thing that our bodies are, with few medical exceptions, perfectly capable of doing with zero "help".  What has happened to our sense of strength, our power, our confidence?  What keeps the other 99% of women from choosing a way of giving birth that maintains the sanctity of this journey, the well-being of the infant, and the mother's sense of unmitigated confidence in her abilities**?

I want to become a midwife because I believe in birth, I believe in women, and I believe in babies.  My path holds challenges, to be sure, but I am finally, happily, ready to face them.  I will be the change I wish to see in the world.  I will be part of the movement to ensure that families have choices when it comes to where, how, and with whom they welcome new little people to the world.  I will be an activist, if that's what it takes.

You can follow more about this particular journey at my sister-blog:  Prenatal Yogini

** Disclaimer:  I am thankful that we have so many choices when it comes to prenatal care and labor/delivery options.  My bias is clearly toward "natural" childbirth, but please do not take that as an indictment against those who choose other methods of labor/delivery.  I am not judging those women.  I may, however, judge the practices that have become so commonplace - often in spite of clear scientific evidence that they are not safe or effective.

The Other "F" Word

Fred:  "Oh, hello, Alma.  I haven't seen you in so long.  How are you?"

Alma:  "Hi Fred.  I'm fine.  How 'bout yourself?"

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Does the above greeting sound familiar?  Have you been Fred or Alma - either on the receiving or giving end of a "fine"?  Do you come from the "Fine Family", in which the response to any inquiry is "fine"?

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fiiiiiiiine.

It's the other F word.  Four letters, and just as vulgar as its cousin.  I have heard four-letter words referred to as "colorful" language, but I find them drab.  They lack imagination.  They lack fire.  They are used when a person can't think of anything better to say to describe how they feel, to (attempt to) insult or berate another, to emote effusively, or just out of habit.  "Fine" has become the go-to word when other words fail us.

The truly sad thing about the overused "fine" is that it is usually a lie.  A flat-out lie (just read the links above to read various definitions).  Usually, everything about the person saying they're fine tells us otherwise.  Alma looks disheveled.  Her skin is waxy and her eyes have dark rings.  She seems to sag, as if drained.  And yet, when asked by a friend how she's doing, she tells him "fine".  She could simply say, "Oh, Fred.  I'm having a tough time right now.  I appreciate you asking how I'm doing, but I don't feel like talking about it."  She could be honest without going into details, "I'm not well, but I'll be okay."  Somehow we, as a culture, have all become "fine" even when we're not.

This means that not only are we lying to our friends, family, co-workers...we're lying to ourselves.  This is where the bigger problems develop.  What kinds of lies do you tell yourself regularly?  Go on, take a minute and consider it (be honest!), I'm not going anywhere.

((((time elapse))))

Did you come up with some untruths?  I'll help with a list of common self-told lies:

• I'm not smart enough to do that.
• I'm not good enough to be with that person.
• That pain in my back isn't really so bad, I don't need to tend to it.
• I can get around fine, I don't need help while I recover from foot surgery.
• I'm fat/ugly/broke.
• Nobody cares.
• Everybody cares.
• I don't have time.
• I have it under control.

Lying to yourself creates a discord in your body/mind/spirit.  It means you are living without integrity, and that is part of the matrix of dis-ease...which could lead to disease!  The bigger issue with saying your fine when you aren't is how it affects you and your relationships with others and yourself.

As with any habit, overuse or inappropriate use of "fine" can be conquered.  Let's all get more creative - and honest - in our replies to the inevitable "How ya doin'?" question.  Let's NOT be FINE!

In the Making

I enjoy making things.  I feel that creative expression is essential to our well-being.  In the last few years, most of my creativity has been poured into teaching yoga and growing my yoga studio.  This has been very rewarding in many ways.  Recently, however, I have realized that focusing my creative energies outwardly for so long has created an inner deficit.  I have plundered my own reserves and offered myself little replenishment.

It's time for a change.

Indeed, this is one of the many reasons behind my decision to put the studio up for sale.  I simply need to redirect my energy inward - to home, to my own creativity, to hopefully expanding our family.  I used to sing, act, dance, play musical instruments.  I still sing (in the car, baby!) and dance (thank goodness I got back into dancing), but I am curious again about acting, and I'd like to take up the guitar.  I want to be able to entertain myself and my friends with song or story, like in the days before folks sat around staring at televisions and actually had to interact for their mutual amusement.

**Aside**  I was most impressed with that while watching "Out of Africa":  when Denys and Cole come visiting at the farm, and Denys wants to know if Karen sings and she says no, but she tells stories.  She then proceeds to tell a story that, apparently, lasts for hours.  What a fantastic skill! 

My creative mainstay these last six years has been knitting.  Ever since I first laid eyes on Stitch 'N Bitch I knew I wanted to learn to wave a couple of sticks around with some string and POOF! end up with a hat/scarf/socks/sweater/you name it.  Sometimes I knit a lot, sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I have multiple works in progress at a time, sometimes I am a "monogamous knitter".  However I'm doing it, knitting has provided a consistent opportunity to be artful.

To whit:

Summery Socks

Started May 2009, completed last week.  They were exiled for awhile, what can I say?  I bought the yarn last spring in a fit of "must have bright pink yarn".  I'd say I was successful in procuring it!

Seraphim Shawl

I am *very* happy with this shawl.  It took me about a month, and is just what I wanted:  cozy, great color, pretty, intricacy balanced with simplicity.

Shedir

I made this in February/March as a gift for a neighbor.  It's made with a yarn called Calmer, which is a stretchy, soft cotton.  It behaves similarly to wool, but has no itch.  This makes it great for sensitive heads.  I really like the design on the crown.  :-)

Baby Blanket

This baby blanket is made from a sweet, soft, washable wool.  The photo doesn't do the color justice - it's actually a sweet-corn yellow.  I'm very happy with how it turned out.

Cloche Call

I've wanted a sassy cloche for quite awhile, and happily knit this one for myself this past winter.  It's super soft, a great shade of soft pink, and has that fine, flippy ruffle poking out of the side.  It has been my go-to hat for many months, now.

Socks the First (Punctuated Rib Socks)

This sweet Lorna's Laces yarn (color:  Clementine) was a Christmas gift from a friend/yoga student.  I love orange, especially orange yarn, and had a great time knitting these socks.  I might even have enough leftover yarn to make some baby booties or something.  Yay!

Socks the Second (a.k.a. Jaywalkers...my third pair)

I really like this pattern for variegated yarn.  It creates nice stripes (as opposed to pools, puddles, or other color results I don't really want).  This is Yarn Pirate yarn (color:  Emerald City).  The cast-on edge is very ruffly this time, which was a fun and unexpected surprise.  I'm working on its mate.

All project details are on my ravelry.com page.  Just look for seattleyogini!

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So, clearly, plenty of knitting has been going on this year.  In addition to the Jaywalker mate, I'm working on a summertime blouse.  I have the back nearly complete, so I may actually be able to wear it by the time we consistently have warm weather.  The knitting continues, but I want more outlets for my creative energy.  As things wind-down professionally, one of the things I look forward to most is making the time to pursue those outlets and let those creative juices flow!

The Timeliness of Illness

I used to get sick a lot.  Shortly after I got out of the military, as I was getting used to a new life and letting go of some very stressful experiences, my body "helped" by ensuring that I rested.  Fevers, sore throats, sinus problems, common colds, the occasional upset stomach, chronic sacro-iliac pain.  Illness made me slow down and take it easy, something I don't tend to do very well otherwise.

Rest provides the body, mind and spirit with an opportunity to process inputs.  If we fail to rest, we begin to fail at pretty much everything.  Rest is absolutely critical to good health.  I know all of that, and yet I must admit that I do not rest easily.  I encourage resting, I often advise people to rest, and I truly appreciate rest when I get it.  Still, I struggle with outer stillness.  I live in a busy body, one that craves movement and interaction.  It does not take well to sleeping in (makes me feel headachy), lying around (I get grumpy) or otherwise slowing down.

That does not mean I don't need to.  Slow down, that is.

For a long time, illness seemed to be the solution.  It gives me the perfect excuse to plant myself on the sofa, watch hours of BBC Jane Austen movies, and knit till my fingers complain.  As a small business owner, however, I have found that illness is not a guarantee for rest.  If I'm not working, money isn't being made.  If money isn't being made, I can't pay the rent.  If I can't teach a class, I have to call around and try to find a sub (the antithesis of rest when you're sick).

I never said illness was a *good* solution!

Anyway, I hadn't been sick in a long time.  2008 was a very sick year, 2009 was much better (I even cared for a swine-flu ridden husband and didn't fall ill).  2010 was going well until I got home from a week's visit in Indiana.  Within two days I was S-I-C-K.  I didn't even bother with subs, I canceled classes.  I freed up my whole week.  I hunkered down, knowing that I was probably overdue for a "rest" and I intended to make it as easy on myself as possible.

Hmph.  The illness lingered.  I started to feel a bit better, then KAPOW! lost my voice again and ran a fever.  Sick for a second week.  Then I developed a mysterious foot pain that I finally - after ten days - went to the doctor about.  I've spent two weeks clumping around in a boot (a removable cast).  Last night I developed a froggy voice again.

What gives?

Well, there is a lot of change going on for me right now.  In addition to changing my name, a few months ago I decided to sell my business.  I have spent the last five years building up my yoga studio, caring for it and helping it grow.  While I feel sure about the decision - it is time for me to focus my energies at home - it marks a whole-life change.  Also, Rob recently expanded his job search, which means that we may end up relocating if he gets a good job offer somewhere other than Seattle.  These transitions are all of indeterminate length.  It isn't like a decision can be made and POOF! we're in a new phase.  Rather, decisions have been made, processes undertaken, and now all we can do is stay the course, listen to our hearts, and have faith.

So it isn't surprising that I've spent the last month slowed down by one thing or another.  I have embarked on a process of slowing down...I have plans to rest!  Illness and peg-leg boot have ensured that I get started NOW.

I certainly look forward to the day when I don't have to be "encouraged" to slow down.  This forced rest thing is getting on my nerves.

The Name Thing

Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

Juliet was right about roses.  They smell sweet, and would likely smell the same even if they were called "pinks".  Roses, however, are not people.  Roses do not engage in personal growth and development.  They do not strive to become better roses.  They are not empowered to make choices about their lives.

Thankfully, people do...and are.  In fact, it is in the making of choices, the endeavor to become ever more * I *, and the growth that comes from that path of Self-development that we grow.  We change.  We evolve.

Names can help us in that process.  Words carry meaning.  Names (especially for people) are important.  They carry intention, hope, direction, legacy, and sometimes the baggage of those who bestowed the name.  One may use a name to identify oneself with a particular ethnicity, or to honor a deceased person.  Expectant parents take a lot of time to name their children precisely because a name is important.

As that child grows, however, the name may prove untenable.  It may not "fit" the adult the child becomes.  They may no longer identify with that heritage, or may have been burdened with the memories of the honored dead.  The adult may find that, having learned more about who she is and what she's about, the time has come to let go of the old name - and the persona it identified - and assume a new name that will help her along her personal journey.

Aside:  I wish that we had naming rituals for adults.  Since our names are often chosen by our parents before they meet us, I think that a coming-of-age ritual in which an adult determines his or her own name would be fabulous.  It would recognize the significance of one's name while honoring the growth of the person.

A few years ago, a name came to me in meditation and prayer.  It was very clearly a name, and an important message, but I didn't understand whose name it was.  At that time, I was not even thinking about changing my name, though many people in the yogic community do so.  The name stuck with me, though, like a guardian spirit, always hovering somewhere nearby in my consciousness.

It wasn't until my grandmother passed away in 2008 that I began questioning the appropriateness of my given name (Kelly).  Kelly became uncomfortable, like too-tight shoes.  It was another family member's name before it was mine; an aunt who passed away at the tender age of three-and-a-half.  The feeling behind the name (which means warrior, war, strife, conflict, and "bright-headed" [whatever that means]) no longer applied to my life and, in fact, represented a very long stage of my life that I was glad to have worked through.  It did not feel like my name, and I did not want the very word meant to represent me to be one that literally evoked conflict & war every time it was spoken.  My warrior days, at least in the literal sense, are behind me.  I realized it was time to assume a new name - one that would help me rise to a fuller expression of my Self with each utterance.

The name that came to me in meditation was not exactly my first choice.  When I realized that I needed a new name, my mind got really excited and started offering many options.  It was a lot to sift through!  In the end, though, it was so much chaff.  It took a few more weeks of meditation and prayer to discern that the name was, in fact, for me.  Then I had to do a lot of inner work to help me let go of the name Kelly.  After all, I had that name for 34 years.  It isn't as simple as going to the courthouse and changing the name.  The mind, body, energy, everything about a person has to let go of the old name and welcome the new one.

This takes time.

But making the change has been such a wonderful step for me.  It is a beautiful name, and for me it holds the energy of nobility (especially a sense of feminine power, strength & grace).  It calls me more deeply into adulthood - the kind of adult I want to be.  Kelly represents my childhood and adolescence, much of which stayed with me into my thirties.  My new name calls me into the fullness of adulthood, with its responsibilities, integrity, joy, and strength.  Kelly led me to this place, and I will always be grateful for that.  Kelly cannot take me further, though, and so I've let it go.

My name is Arya.  I had no idea what it meant when it came to me.  It isn't as if I looked through a baby name book.  I have learned, however, that it is a very powerful name for me.  I am so thrilled to finally be ready to share it - and myself - with the world.

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If you're interested in name meanings, read this for a great background on the name.  After reading this, a friend of mine pointed out that the phrase, "who strives and overcomes all outside him and within him that stands opposed to the human advance" sounds perfect for me.  I was so grateful to him for having pointed that out.  It really helped me assume the name even more.  Thanks, S!!!

On Being the Solution

 Maple Leaf Community Yoga is, as the name implies, a neighborhood yoga studio.  Its home is in the street-level office space of an apartment building two blocks from my home.  I walk back and forth multiple times a day and, in so doing, bump into lots of Maple Leaf residents.

I run into current students.  I run into past students.  I run into "potential" students.

Lately, the phrase "Oh, I've been meaning to...(sign up for classes, get back into yoga, make an appointment for private instruction)" keeps popping up.  To the point that I finally threw my hands up in exasperation and took a look into myself to figure out what this was all about.

You see, as a yoga practitioner I believe that if an issue is irritating/exasperating to me, it is because I hold part of the problem within myself.  It appeared that some non-committal/best intentions/mañana mañana part of me is attracting people who like the idea of yoga classes but not enough to commit - at least, not today.  I decided it was time to find that part within myself.

For years I have been "meaning to" get back into dance.  I danced throughout my childhood, and as an adult my classes and opportunities for dancing - other than in my own living room - have been few and far between.  I have had in mind to join a dance class or two for a couple of years, but kept missing the sign up dates (due to poor planning) or just not getting around to it, or on the evening of the class deciding I'd rather stay home.  Enough!

Last week I contacted a teacher, went to try the class, loved it and am now signed up.  I feel so refreshed!  I feel so free!  I feel so...committed.  Not committed to dance, per se, but committed to finally doing the things that I keep putting off (organizing the office, anyone?).  Committed to following through on my dreams, even the simple ones about finding a once-a-week dance class.  Committed to my own growth and exploration.

Committed to that which brings me Joy.

Hopefully, others are finding their commitment as well.  Are you?

Thoughtful Sidewalk Art

Sweet sidewalk art.  The little girl down the street left a pile of colored chalk out overnight.  Someone else came by and put it to good use!

Questioning the Answers

I have asked the question over and over again in prayer, in meditation, in the in-between moments that are the real stuff of life:

"What must I do?  How must I grow, change, re-form in order to live as You?  How must I change in order to welcome new life?  What must I do?"

But I don't like the answers that are coming now, finally, fast and furious through my body and mind.

I don't like them, and wonder,

"Could that really be true?"

There is nothing to do but continue to ask, continue to listen to the answer.  Have faith when the answer continues - and gets stronger - that I am not deceiving myself, making up an answer because I want one so sincerely.  As the answer continues, the same, I will know it as my answer and

I will act.

August Sabbatical - a Productive Rest

I take the month of August off.  By "off", I mean that I close my yoga studio, letting it, nay making it - and myself AND my students - take a little break.  When I opened the studio I was working on my 2,000-hour Purna Yoga Certification and we had 4- to 5-week intensives in August, so keeping the studio open simply wasn't an option.  I made it a tradition, and now it's something that the community knows and expects.  We close in August.  See you in September!  I try to use the time to regain perspective, refresh myself, get bigger home projects taken care of, etc.

This year I am spending the first two weeks in training with my teacher, Aadil Palkhivala, and the second two weeks are unscheduled.  Oooo, what a wonderful word:  unscheduled.   Yesterday afternoon we wrapped up a 4-day Intermediate Asana & Philosophy Immersion, and today we begin a 10-day Therapeutics Training.  I am really looking forward to this opportunity to deepen my therapeutics understanding and practice, as it is a part of my work that I particularly enjoy and really want to grow.

This past weekend's immersion was SO lovely!  There were only 12 students, which is very rare for a workshop or class with Aadil.  As a local Certified Purna Yoga Instructor I get to work with and learn from Aadil quite often, but it is always a treat to get back-to-back days with him.  I have been looking forward to these two weeks for some time.  He did a great balance of philosophy lecture/discussion, chanting, story telling, poetry reading and deeeeeep asana work.  We started off with spinal releases using traction (hanging upside down) in various positions, then there was iliopsoas stretching:

That's me in Supta Virasana.  My friend Amanda is helping me by putting weight on my thighs so that I can focus on the iliopsoas work.  I'm holding two bungee ropes attached to the rope wall.  On each exhalation I life one side of my POA (pit of the abdomen/lower rectus abdominis) toward the armpit and on toward the wall, alternating sides with each exhalation.  It was awesome and a huge stretch for the iliopsoas.  Please note that it is NOT a beginner's pose.  Don't try this without appropriate education, preparation experience & supervision.

throat opening/cervical curve work, side-waist work with Prvrtta Janu Sirsasana (see picture below) and more.  It was delicious and, as always, inspiring.  It reaffirms my belief that going deeper within a tradition and with a particular teacher is critical to one's development on this path.

Here I am in version 3 of 6 (or so, I lost count!) Prvrtta Janu Sirsasana.  I'm using the wall ropes to help create even more length in the spine, as well as the side of the torso.  In the "final" pose, the spine rests on the extended leg, with belly and chest rotating upward.  In this photo, the left side of my torso is atop my left thigh.  My left shoulder blade is touching my inner left knee.  This is the only pose that can so deeply open the sides of the torso.  It's soooooo nice!

I don't know how much writing I'll be able to do while I'm in the training.  The schedule isn't too draining, but there is a commute, and regular family/home things going on so not much time left for sharing it on the blog.  I'll try to at least post tidbits here and there.  August is a time for me to focus inwardly, to be "productive" in my life and spirituality rather than in the outer/commercial world.  It will be interesting to see if I discover a way in which I can share outwardly while maintaining my inner focus...